Well, it turns out that the new tablet I ordered doesn't have a mouse mode and there doesn't seem to be an add on driver of any sort that would let me do that, which renders it almost unusable for drawing because my hands are unconsciously twitchy and can't work with pen mode very well.
So THAT was fun to get surprised with. I might have ended up crying a bit myself, although more from frustration (especially since I wasted several potentially productive hours on the entire mess).
Fortunately I was able to just reinstall the driver of my old tablet, unfortunately that means I'm still stuck using a broken tablet.
Synn, baby, it's okay to be happy.